Asking For Your 100%: Reflections

"Getting what I want rocks me. Getting what WE want rocks us all!"



It’s on your mind. You want it. It would feel reeaaallllyyyy good if you could have it. So, you ask for what you want – all of it. A collaboration marked by balance and openness ensues. An end point different than the original request is peacefully reached, yet still totally desired by both parties. Sometimes it works that way... truly working for all folks involved. You both say a powerful “yes” without reservation to the collaborated agreement. There is a gratitude felt by both people. A need (perhaps a passionate one) has been met and the joyous chemical dopamine washes over everyone’s brain. Wonderful!

However, sometimes it doesn’t result in this way, and you hear the “no” that drops your heartbeat and eyebrows, perhaps a little, perhaps a lot.

    • “It’s my right!”
    • “Bullshit flat hierarchy!”
    • “I have a right to be taken seriously!”
    • “My thoughts, ideas, opinions need to be heard and considered!”
    • “How come I make a request and you get to refuse it? That’s not flat or fair!”
    • “It’s not right that we are not coming to an understanding and now I have to behave in a way that I don’t want to!”

Quickly, your mind turns to all the reasons why getting what you want is great and wonderful, and even necessary. And, not getting what you want is wrong. In that moment begins a debate... the monkey mind working on “me vs. you/them.”

This combative stance, at its core, is the basis of all war.


Repeat this Buddhist proverb a time or two:

“Nearly all my pain results from getting what I don’t want, and not getting what I do want.”


Choose to be Powerful

  1. Ask for 100% of what you want, 100% of the time
  2. Be prepared to hear 'No!'
  3. Collaborate on the difference


Boundaries / Consensus / Collaboration

Your Needs + Community Needs = 100%

It is important to remember that boundaries are another word for existing community agreements and processes. The idea that arriving at immediate consensus/collaboration is likely to result in dissatisfaction, as does the idea that responsibility for reaching a collaborative end rests more with one person than another. Collaborate, don't compromise. Collaboration is where both parties arrive at a place of peace and completeness. Compromise holds less, and sometimes much less, for one or the other.

    • “Compromise is where each person shares 50% of the resentment.”
    • “Compromise is where everyone walks away pissed (or unsatisfied).”



Collaboration principles
My way or the highway
Consensus principles (me in community)
Emotional blackmail
Willingness to hear 'No'
Static. Inaction.
Openness beyond an existing end game/plan/strategy
Holding Dirty Communication Face 5
Creativity / Flexibility
Rarely about a simple Yes or No